Parenting Your Young Adult Child Without (s)Mothering Them

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When your child turns 18 and graduates from high school, our job as parents isn’t over. Being a parent is a lifelong journey that continues even when they become adults. Our role evolves, but our love and support remain constant, always there when they need us.

Just as we adjust our parenting style from an infant to a tween, we need to update our approach to college-aged children. As a mother to a 19-year-old son, I’ve found it necessary to modify my strategies to be the parent he needs without being overbearing.

It’s a delicate balance that often feels like you’re walking through a field of landmines; however, at the end of the day, it’s well worth it to be their biggest cheerleader, offering unwavering support and encouragement as they spread their wings and leave the nest.

Landmines to Avoid

Knowing when to jump in and when to take a backseat can be tricky when you’ve been protecting, guiding, and enforcing rules for 18+ years. Cut yourself some slack; this is a learning curve and a transition period for you as much as for your young adult child. Your new role will take some getting used to.

Keep in mind that the end goal of parenting young adults is to preserve the relationship. This will ensure they can come to you when they really need you. To achieve this, it’s crucial to avoid pitfalls that can undermine this goal, such as lecturing, talking too much, meddling, being overprotective, rescuing unnecessarily, and spoiling with money and gifts.

Suggestions for Parenting Your Young Adult Child

Since the beginning of his freshman year in high school, I’ve been slowly preparing myself and my son for the inevitable day when he flies the coop and sets out on his own, forging his own path and making his own mistakes.

Let’s face it: those mistakes are going to happen, and in my opinion, they need to happen. It’s how young adults learn and grow. Through this process, I’ve gained the following eight insights. 

1. Encourage, Don’t Command

Inviting your young adult child without pressure, guilt trips, or conditions makes them more likely to engage in the activities you suggest. Offering a genuine, pressure-free invitation shows respect for their independence and decision-making, making them feel valued and more inclined to participate willingly. 

This approach cultivates a positive relationship and encourages involvement out of authentic interest rather than obligation. It’s a hopeful way to engage with your child, leading to a more fulfilling relationship.

2. Stop the Tracking Habit

One of the more difficult habits I had to break was no longer tracking my child’s whereabouts. I had to trust that I had instilled good choice-making and that he wouldn’t do or go anywhere he shouldn’t, but most importantly, he would go home at a reasonable time. 

If your young adult child lives away from home, you are no longer responsible for monitoring their every move. Let go of the feeling that it’s your job to know where they are and what they’re doing. I understand that this can be a challenging transition, but it’s an important part of their journey to independence.

3. Create a Connection Routine

Explain to your child that you would like to speak with them once a week, even if only briefly, and set up a designated time for a phone call. However, if your child is not responsive or available for the scheduled calls, don’t be discouraged. Instead, try to understand their situation and be flexible with the timing. 

If you’re fortunate to have your child living nearby, like I have, consider setting up a regular family dinner night. These gatherings provide a consistent opportunity to connect, share updates, and enjoy each other’s company.

4. Listen More, Talk Less

Over the years, I’ve been fortunate to maintain a reasonably close relationship with my son because I allow him to express himself in a safe space, one void of any judgment. This is because I listen to him more than I speak. When he’s done talking, I ask him if he wants my advice or needs someone to vent to. Fortunately, he usually wants my advice. 

Moreover, ask your child with genuine interest about their life, classes, work, and roommates, but be sure to avoid a prying tone. Don’t talk about yourself unless they ask. Young adults often focus on themselves, and your role is to support them.

5. Leave the Lectures to the Professors

Your young adult child, who is finally learning to live and operate independently, doesn’t like being lectured. No one likes to be lectured, if we’re being honest. There have been many times when I can anticipate the consequences of future actions from merely observing certain choices and behaviors. However, it’s not our job to save them from themselves every single time. 

The more you attempt to do so through lecturing, the more likely you are to ostracize them, causing a strained relationship. It’s important to remember that a healthy relationship with them is built on trust and understanding, not constant advice-giving.  

6. Don’t Rush to Rescue

If your go-to method is rushing to the rescue, regardless of what is happening, raise your hand. You’re not alone, so don’t beat yourself up over it. When we love our kids, we want to save them. It’s only natural. However, this is the time in their lives when they must figure things out for themselves without Mom or Dad swooping in to save the day. 

One day, your young adult kid will call you in a heightened emotional state. Sink into compassionate listening mode but resist rushing to solve the problem and rescue your kid. If it’s not life or death, your job is to assist them in using the tools and common sense you instilled in them. 

7. Money & Material Things Don’t Solve Problems

We find it tempting to send gifts and money because we love to see our kids happy. Extra cash or goodies yield a burst of short-term happiness. However, doing this too often will cause problems for your kid down the road. 

He needs to learn to budget his money and value things by working for them. Avoid throwing money and gifts at your kid. Gifts of any kind will be more meaningful when given less frequently and only after they’ve exhausted all of their ideas to handle a situation by themselves. 

8. Acknowledge Independence

One of the most empowering statements I ever made to my son was, “You’re an adult now. You have to think and act like one.” Although he wasn’t so sure about it initially, the truth of that statement hit him with some much-needed clarity. 

Use this phrase or some variation often to encourage and empower your child, helping them feel seen and respected as young adults. It disarms and reassures them that you aren’t trying to control their lives. They’ll be more open to hearing you out, knowing you recognize their independence.

Final Thoughts

The transition from a child to a young adult is tricky and challenging. You brought them into the world, raised and protected them, and now they’re on their own. Yet, they still need you for some things. You’re still footing some expenses, like insurance, car notes, and cell phone plans. 

Despite thinking they know everything, kids still need parental guidance and advice. To safeguard your relationship and ensure your kid comes to you when they genuinely need help, avoid pitfalls and keep the lines of communication open. You got this!